Why women initially tell men ‘no’ then change their answer to ‘yes’

By Stephen Beech

Women are hard-wired to say “no” to men, suggests a new study.

Their instinctive first refusal to men asking for time or attention can work as a natural "self-preservation" response, according to researchers.

Their findings suggest that the instinct — described as "female genius" — is triggered at any age in everyday exchanges when a woman is asked to share personal details, agree to a request or place confidence in someone before his intentions are clear.

The international study found that the female brain is primed to give a snap negative reply as part of a natural “rapid safety check” to test the motives and behavior of those outside their close circle of family and friends.

Researchers say the response — often given before the question has been fully considered — allows women to test whether the man will respect a boundary, accept delay calmly and behave in a way that warrants further engagement.

Examples include strangers asking for a phone number, colleagues suggesting one-to-one drinks, bosses pressing for a quick yes, or new boyfriends pushing for more intimacy, emotional openness or commitment.

But the research team found that up to three in four of those first refusals were followed minutes, hours or even days later by a “yes.”

The findings were published in "NO! The Book — Why Do Women Always Start Like This? (And How to Survive the YES That Comes After)."

The five-year investigation into the psychology of women’s first refusals and the way men interpret them was led by Swiss author Lorenzo Lorenzoni and his colleague Marco Caldelari.

Lorenzoni’s wife, Elle — who holds a University of California, Berkeley, degree, a Juris Doctor from Loyola University Chicago School of Law, and an LL.M. from the University of Fribourg in Switzerland — shaped the narrative of the research.

She said: “The findings suggested women’s first refusals may be rooted in an instinct to protect themselves before agreeing to something or allowing an exchange to go further.

"The research suggests many women may use an early ‘no’ to slow an exchange down before giving a fuller answer.

"It gives them time to judge the man’s intent, his behavior and how he responds to a boundary.

"Pressure, irritation or defensiveness from the man asking the question can quickly confirm why the first ‘no’ was there in the first place.

"It tells her he may not respect a boundary, accept delay or handle disappointment well.”

The research project began during the COVID-1 pandemic as a lighthearted inquiry into everyday male-female communication before developing into a far wider probe into the “strategic refusal.”

The research team interviewed more than 500 women, aged 30 to 70, and found almost half said they usually gave a snap negative answer before fully considering what was being asked.

The researchers also found many of those reflexive refusals were later reconsidered.

The findings show that nearly three-quarters of initial female “no” responses later became “yes” when the man asked again in a more diplomatic or less pressured way, rather than pushing for an immediate answer.

The research team also analyzed male-female exchanges in a coffee shop twice a week for six months, logging hundreds of interactions.

They concluded that around 60% of first refusals acted as evaluation mechanisms, giving women a pause to assess safety, interest, boundaries and context.

The researchers also discovered that women who ignored their first instinct and said “yes” immediately were more likely to regret the decision, feel pressured and report lower satisfaction with the outcome.

Elle Lorenzoni said: “What came through again and again was that women often know the first answer before they understand why they have given it.

“A woman may say no quickly, then spend the next few minutes or hours working out what the answer really meant.

“That first refusal gives her room to think, room to feel safe and room to see how the man responds when he does not get an immediate yes.”

The findings were collated following interviews carried out with women from Italy, the United States, Switzerland and Turkey.

The team also conducted behavioral research and studied annuals of social history relating to interactions between men and women.

AI simulations, social experiments and coffee shop observations also formed part of the study.

A team of external experts including Sarah Gansen, formerly of the University of Southern California, were also involved.

The team found that men who ask "clearly and calmly" are more likely to receive a positive first response.

By avoiding pressure, giving women time to answer and accepting a refusal without argument, they stand a greater chance of being seen as safe, respectful and worth trusting.

But Elle Lorenzoni says the findings should not be used to blur the meaning of refusal, or to give men permission to keep pushing after a woman has said no.

She added: “No still means no, and it should never be taken to mean anything else.

"A woman may change her mind later, but that has to come from her.

“Our research should never be read as permission to push past a refusal or treat it as a challenge.

“The point is that women are more likely to feel safe enough to give a considered answer when the first answer is respected.

“The book treats the 'strategic refusal' as a sophisticated, culturally shaped behavior interacting with neurology, safety, and social history.

"It explicitly distinguishes strategy from trauma‑based refusal and from cultural conditioning.”