We have 10 days left in the What-Do-You-Want-For-Christmas showdown. Men, you know what I’m talking about. Women, you may pretend not to, but you do, too.
Call it Part 452 in the ongoing series, “The Difference Between Men and Women.”
There are rules here, mostly unwritten rules because they cannot be spoken out loud, much less acknowledged. But they are real.
Most of them are for men. And, boys, you’d better know what they are.
For example, there’s the Time Rule. You may think there’s another week or so before you have to put yourself in gift-buying gear, but there’s a risk, lads.
Last-minute gifts are in the male DNA, but they carry a Time/Commitment Penalty you should consider, similar to offering unused ball tickets to a friend the day of the game, or giving a nice gift your recipient later learns you got two of last Christmas and are re-gifting.
Time and method of procurement can ruin good intentions.
You can buy at the last minute. Just be aware that if it’s the wrong size, style or color, you will be found out when you have to produce the return receipt.
A last-minute gift, in the eyes of one of the genders I will not name, is somehow tainted with the typical lack of thoughtfulness the other gender regularly gets accused of.
The deeper we get into the season, boys, the less help you can expect on The Question. God forbid you ask it in the last week – that would only confirm you have not been thinking, planning and focusing the better part of your life on the task – er, pleasure – at hand.
A Dialogue Example:
Her: “What would you like for Christmas?”
Him: “Hmm. How about a shotgun or fly rod, mag wheels, tickets to (fill in sporting event), some boots, any tool in creation I don’t already have, a new truck.
(Note the detail and the graciously wide price range, from a Phillips screwdriver to a new Tahoe. A considerate, specific list. Let’s compare it with Dialogue No. 2.)
Him: “What would you like for Christmas?”
Her: “Oh, anything.”
Him: “Such as?”
Her: “Something I’d like.”
Him: “Which would include?”
Her: “You know.”
Him (carefully): “No, I don’t. That’s why I’m asking.”
(This is a critical point in Dialogue No. 2. Him must be very careful from here on out. Tone is critical.)
Her: “Haven’t you been paying attention?”
Him: “To?”
Her: “To what I’ve been telling you for months.”
Him: “About what?”
Her: “About what I’d like for Christmas.”
(A chasm has been reached. Him can try to tiptoe around it, or he can just club himself in the head and get it over with.)
Him: “Honestly, I can’t remember you telling me anything specific.”
Her: “Well, I didn’t say, ‘Buy this for me.’ But I talked about it.”
Him: “About what?”
Her (with an ever-so-slight pout): “Well, if I have to tell you…”
Him: “Only if you want to actually get it.”
Her: “But I shouldn’t have to tell you. Listen better. Use your imagination. Stand up straight. Cure cancer.”
Her (again): “Besides, are you telling me you haven’t even started shopping?”
(Note: It is here where many women demonstrate an appalling lack of understanding of the buying habits of the male species. As a rule, we do not “shop.” We “decide,” then we go “buy.” Badda bing, badda boom.)
It’s not just the tightrope of Dialogue 2 that must be negotiated. There are some modern variations on the rules that also must be factored in, changes brought about by technology.
It is now possible to do a lot of Christmas shopping while sitting in your pajamas in front of the computer, though we strongly advise against it for at least two good reasons.
First of all, you’ll want to patronize all the fine brick-and-mortar establishments that advertise in the Leader. They’re the ones that make possible these very pages, filled with all this vital information to help get you safely through the holidays.
The second reason circles back to the Time/Commitment Factor. And that is: If you buy your beloved something on the internet, from the comfort of your home, while wearing your fuzzy slippers, it just doesn’t represent the kind of thought and effort required by one of the older unwritten rules:
No Pain, No Approval from Jane.
I suppose some men are good at “shopping” and some women can be direct and specific when asked the very reasonable question of what they want for Christmas. But I haven’t met many of either.
All I know, men, is that we’re 10 days out and you’d better get cracking. Spending more than you should at least gives you a small shot at redemption, but there are no guarantees.
Above all, burn those dated receipts.
