Couples therapist reveals 3 things you should never say to your partner

By Lauren Wilkin

The language you use with your partner can be the difference between an argument and an understanding.

However, most people are often unaware of how damaging common phrases can be in a relationship.

"Research consistently says that the healthiest couples aren't the ones who never fight — they're the ones who make each other feel understood even during conflict," Augusto Blanco, a licensed clinical psychologist and couples therapist, says.

"Language that invites collaboration tends to strengthen relationships; language that assigns blame or tests someone's love will erode them," he adds.

Blanco, who runs Man Helping Men — a therapy service for men based in Argentina — has revealed the top three phrases couples use that he thinks are most damaging.

1. "You always..." or "You never..."

Blanco says that definitive statements and exaggerations are a common mistake in arguments.

"These phrases turn something specific into a character indictment," he said.

"It's also an exaggeration that can easily be disproven.

"However, when this happens people stop listening and start defending themselves. The best thing to do is to be specific."

2. "You're overreacting"

Belittling your partner's emotions is likely to exacerbate an argument, rather than lead to a resolution.

"This phrase invalidates someone's emotional experience and escalates conflict rather than resolving it," Blanco says.

"Even if you think your partner's reaction is disproportionate, dismissing it sends the message that their feelings don't make sense or don't matter to you."

"Healthy couples don't say this ever," he adds.

Instead, acknowledging your partner's emotions and trying to understand why they are responding to your behavior in a particular way is a better course of action.

3. "If you loved me, you would..."

Quantifying your partner's love is likely to send the wrong message.

"This turns love into a test and tries to guilt-trip the other into acquiescing," Blanco warns.

"It's also usually used for things that have nothing to do with love itself and more with one's comfort and lack of wanting to give something up."

"Healthy relationships involve requests and negotiation, not emotional ultimatums."

Understanding the 5:1 ratio:

It's important to remember arguing is no bad thing. It's a natural part of a healthy relationship.

John Gottman's research found that the 'perfect balance' in a relationship was five positive interactions for every one negative interaction.

This is known as the 5:1 ratio:

A negative interaction includes actions like eye rolling or defensiveness, while positive interactions can be anything from sharing a joke to physical affection.

The research says that couples who rarely fight also rarely connect. However, as Blanco makes clear, it's how you fight that's important.