The smoke has cleared, or least the shelling has stopped, and it’s time to analyze the onslaught and present some awards.
Every election seems to cross new boundaries and obliterate previous taboos in a frenzied race to win the Bad Taste Category. Let’s start with something more upbeat to remind us that our collective sense of humor and creativity were not buried beneath all the muck.
Best TV Ad, Possibly Ever
This one has nothing to do with a local race, or even Missouri, but it’s so brilliant you need to look it up. It’s for a Texas county commissioner named Gerald Daugherty. His wife implores voters to re-elect him. Search “Gerald Daugherty ad” on the web and enjoy.
Best Bluegrass Political Ad
This was a radio ditty lampooning U.S. Sen. Roy Blunt’s 20 years in Congress with a screeching fiddle, a honky-tonk piano and a few full-throated twangy singers.
“Roy Blunt lives in a mansion.
“It’s worth a million-six.
“His wife and kids are lobbyists,
“Gettin’ rich offa politics…”
It was a real toe-tapper I couldn’t get out of my head. Not as bad as “It’s a Small World After All,” but close.
Later, I thought about marking it down in case it was thought up by a bunch of DC suits talking down to the hayseeds out in flyover country, but it was just too catchy to ignore. They probably found one of our hillbilly musicians to write it.
Second place in this narrow category goes to the “Chris Clinton/Hillary Koster” ad featuring a man with a country drawl (and possibly a coon dog at his feet on the porch) outlining the sins of Democrat Chris Koster as a five-string banjo player did slow finger rolls in the background. Very down-home.
Goofiest Claim in an Ad
This could really be a 343-way tie, but I’m going with a 1-2 finish in the lieutenant governor’s race between Democrat Russ Carnahan and Republican Mike Parson.
The lieutenant governor’s office, as detailed here many times in discussing the 12-year triumph of Lt. Gov.-For-Life Peter Kinder, has two constitutional duties: 1) To be ready to take over in case the governor croaks and 2) to ceremonially preside over the Missouri Senate and vote once in a blue moon if there’s a tie.
So any campaign promise or statement beyond those limited duties is pretty much pure horse hockey. Let’s see who wins. First, Parson.
“My Missouri values run deep, and are rooted in agriculture. I’m a third-generation farmer who thinks government is best when it does the least. As your Lieutenant Governor I will work every day to pass on the American Dream to our kids and grandkids. Please share this to acquaint your friends with my Missouri values.”
Some pretty good malarkey with the ever-present but definition-less “Missouri values,” but Parson actually got close to truthfulness with his “governs least” comment because the LG doesn’t govern at all.
Now, our old pal Rusty, who used to be Jefferson County’s congressman. He had a nine-point plan: 1. Expand opportunity for Missouri’s working families. 2. Grow our economy and businesses that create jobs. 3. Fully fund our public schools. 4. Ensure access to quality, affordable health care. 5. Advocate for Missouri’s seniors. 6. Protect and preserve Missouri’s agriculture and resources. 7. Serve Missouri’s veterans and military families. 8. Keep our communities safe from crime. 9. Reform our broken political system.
Rusty wins the Hot Air Derby in a walk because he listed nine things he would have absolutely no control over.
As a housekeeping note regarding this important office, starting in January we regretfully will no longer be able to refer to Kinder as lieutenant governor-for-life. Going forward, we will refer to his tenure as “The Peter Kinder Experience.”
Nastiest Slur Not Attributable to Donald Trump
I’m going with the Missouri Republican Party for its relentless profile shots, on television and in mailers, of Democratic U.S. Senate candidate Jason Kander that emphasized his prominent hooked nose. Think those photos were chosen by accident, especially for consumption in rural Missouri? I didn’t. D’jew?
Best Comeback of a Political Cliche
After an election cycle or two on the bench, “job-killing” came back on the field with a vengeance. We had job-killing regulations, job-killing policies, job-killing red tape and the granddaddy of them all, job-killing taxes. Very strong comeback for an old favorite.
Most Misleading Ad
Again, a 400-way tie was possible, but we picked a winner for an attack ad from the Missouri Petroleum Marketers and Convenience Store Association against Amendment 3, one of the tobacco tax measures.
    The ad said the amendment would have inserted the word “abortion” into the state constitution, something “we’ve fought against for years.” Â
    It neglected to quote the passage, which said none of the funds raised by the amendment could be “expended, paid or granted to or on behalf of any abortion clinic, abortion clinic operator” or anyone else in the abortion business. Â
Most Conflicted Set of Endorsements
I must nominate our newspaper, which in 14 local races came up with a perfect Seagram’s cocktail: 7 and 7. We figured, why not make both parties mad because we didn’t go for half of their candidates?
Over the years, we have routinely been accused of being part of the “liberal Main Street media (my favorite),” an unofficial wing of the Democrat (never Democratic) Party and other sticks-and-stones comments.
Sometimes these people would simmer down long enough to ask what it would take for us to endorse more Republicans.
The answer always was, “Better candidates.”
There are better candidates now, and whether the Republicans are doing a better job of recruiting or new candidates are strategically calling themselves Republicans to better their odds is hard to say. It’s good for everyone – the newspaper and the voters – to have more viable choices.
Finally, I’m proud to report that the Leader carried dozens of political ads in the last three months and none of them was negative.
Candidates from both political parties kept their messages positive, at least in these pages.
See, it can be done.
In this dirt-soaked campaign season, that might have been the best electoral triumph of all – a tiny island of civility.
