Who among us has not entertained at least a fleeting personal fantasy of power, wealth or fame?
I have.
There I am, President of the United States, seated in the Oval Office, awesome power at my fingertips. So much to do, so little time...
The spark for my fantasy comes from recently re-watching the delightful movie “Dave,” released 30 years ago, about an ordinary guy who serves as a security “double” for the president. When the real POTUS suffers a near-fatal stroke, his top advisers convince Dave, the double, to impersonate the president for real.
The results are equal parts funny, whimsical and inspiring, like an old Frank Capra movie (think “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington” from 1939).
This kind of daydream can go one of two ways – funny or serious. I’ll do both. First, the fun side:
■ Standing room only. I’d yank out all the furniture in the Oval Office, except the big Resolute desk. Meetings go faster when everybody has to stand. This also gives me, the Prez, more room to pace around while pondering decisions. And pacing around, as I wrote in this space awhile back, is healthy.
■ Gimme fresh air. Harry Truman called the White House “the Great White Jail.” Bill Clinton put it this way: “I don’t know whether it’s the finest public housing in America or the crown jewel of the prison system.” I’d order the construction of a walking track on the White House grounds, and use it at every opportunity.
■ Play ball. I would throw out the first pitch at the Cardinal home opener every April. There is precedent: George W. Bush, wearing a Cardinal jacket, fired a perfect strike to Mike Matheny on opening day, April 5, 2004, at Busch Stadium II. (Check it out on YouTube.)
■ Pardon the pun. I’d have my wife, Peggy, the First Lady, give the media a guided tour of the old manse, like Jacqueline Kennedy did in 1962. When they go by the master bathroom, Peggy can point to where all the medicine is kept: “Oh, that’s the president’s cabinet.”
■ Seeing red. Funny, but then again not: I’d have the Treasury Department print all currency in red ink, to remind everyone every day that We the People are $33 trillion in debt.
■ An easy way to make some hay. In case you were wondering, as I was, whether there’s a “fake White House” used for movie and TV productions like “Dave” and “The West Wing,” there is. It’s in Los Angeles and not open to the public. I’d buy it for the National Park Service and charge admission, just like I think all the National Parks should charge admission. Remember that debt, folks.
Now for the serious part – just not too serious:
■ Throw out the tax code. I would need Congress’ help, but my goodness let’s ditch the 75,000-page U.S. Tax Code and start over. First step: create Form 1040WOW with just three lines: (1) How much did you make last year (wage and investment income)? (2) Multiply by X percent. (3) Send it in.
■ Guns are money. I know, I know, gun-buyback programs offered by some cities and states have not proven their effectiveness – yet. It is open to question. But it’s never been tried at the federal level and we have 400 million guns floating around. Pay for the buyback with a small excise tax on gun purchases and let’s see what happens. It’s worth a try.
■ Limit presidential travel. Have you noticed how President Biden loves getting out of The Great White Jail? He’s taken 15 trips to 23 countries since taking office, including seven to the United Kingdom, according to Wikipedia. Flying in Air Force One costs about a quarter-million dollars per hour. Can’t POTUS just use Zoom more, like the rest of us? Let foreign leaders come to Washington more often; most have never been there before. I hear Camp David is nice, too.
■ End the budget brouhaha. As I write this, Congress is staring down the barrel of a government shutdown for failure to pass the 12 necessary appropriations bills. That’s inexcusable. But the real problem is the budget itself. The Republicans are right to seek significant cuts that will put us on a path to a balanced budget.
There’s a pivotal scene in “Dave” where the title character, the imposter president, assembles his cabinet to cut $650 million from the budget and redirect it to fund homeless shelters – the First Lady’s personal cause. His gambit catches the cabinet secretaries by surprise and he pulls it off, to vigorous applause.
So here’s my idea: I, Mr. President, step into a conference room with the Congressional leaders from both parties (Speaker of the House and the House Minority Leader and the Senate Majority and Minority Leaders). We each have a copy of the federal budget. We announce beforehand that we will not leave that room, except for bathroom breaks, until the budget is balanced, to the satisfaction of all five of us. Aides will slide food under the door until we finish.
Can you imagine the public reaction to such an achievement? Both parties would get credit, especially in combination with the aforementioned tax code overhaul. Come to think of it, we could do the same thing to fix our immigration mess.
If Dave could do it, why can’t I?
