There’s a guy I know who wears a green-and-blue-plaid shirt I really like.
I like it so much, in fact, that I told him twice about my admiration, a few weeks apart.
By the time I said it the second time, I’d forgotten about the first time, and then remembered halfway through delivering the second compliment. It felt a little awkward.
In today’s wacky world, where everyone is Me-Tooing, had I crossed a line? Did he think so? Would his wife think so?
It seems so trivial, but my nervousness is a sign of our times.
Humans everywhere are analyzing how we communicate and interrelate, in ways we never did before, and while some good things are happening, some bad things are, too.
On the good side, people who were victimized in days gone by are speaking up about valid complaints they’d kept to themselves for a myriad of reasons, some of them culturally imposed.
On the bad side, society is going overboard, and I’m not posing that as a question.
Two recent incidents in the news got me mulling it over, ending with starkly opposite reactions.
The first was the Joe Biden tempest. It began with an allegation from Nevada Democrat Lucy Flores, that Biden – an acquaintance, not a friend – had grabbed her shoulders from behind at a campaign event way back in 2014, smelled her hair, and then kissed the back of her head.
She told reporters the contact made her feel “uneasy, gross and confused,” and her complaint was followed by a host of other people alleging that Biden had similarly invaded their personal space in ways that made them feel uncomfortable.
They don’t claim sexual harassment, just obtuse, inappropriate behavior.
Defenders weighed in, too, saying that Biden is a “hugger” who has always been “touchy, feely” and doesn’t mean to offend.
The timing of Flores’ remarks, on the cusp of Biden’s apparently inevitable announcement that he will run for the Democratic nomination for president, seemed suspicious to me.
Did something that happened five years ago become relevant because she backs someone else in the megacrowd of Democratic hopefuls?
Probably.
From Anita Hill to Christine Blasey Ford to Lucy Flores, when someone goes public with allegations from the distant past only when the complaint can be weaponized as part of a political agenda, a lot of people are going to be skeptical.
Maybe not always fair, but reality, nonetheless.
In Flores’ case, I questioned, even if Biden did what she said, how bad was it, anyway?
My husband helped me out with that one. As a joke he came behind me while I was brushing my teeth and “Bidened” me. Surprise move of hands to shoulders, kiss to back of head.
No, that would not be welcome from a stranger. Cut it out, Joe.
On the other side of the scale, I was appalled by reports that 80-year-old TV and radio personality Don Marsh quit his longtime gig at St. Louis’ NPR radio station because he felt under fire from bosses for complimenting retired TV reporter Karen Foss on her appearance.
Overboard alert.
I will allow that it is risky to comment on someone’s physical appearance. I learned the excruciatingly hard way never to ask when the baby is due when I have not been informed that the woman in question is actually pregnant.
Another incident comes to mind.
Long ago, my boyfriend-turned-husband used to tell me he liked how I looked without makeup, so I went without. (Some degree of laziness on my part might also have been involved.)
Over time, I began to note that makeup was an enhancement for others, and thought maybe I should give it a try. Products purchased, best effort made – I went to work with my new look.
My boss greeted me as I entered the office that day.
“You look different,” he said.
(Oh, yes, I’m thinking. Someone noticed.)
“Are you sick?” he asked with concern.
Like Flores, I felt “uneasy, gross and confused,” but while she might have a small claim to “Me Too,” my encounter doesn’t qualify, even by today’s too-sensitive standards.
Much more recently – five weeks ago, to be accurate – a co-worker told me he thought I looked nice that day. I appreciated the compliment and felt a little puzzled when he added that he didn’t want to seem inappropriate.
And then I heard about Marsh.
It’s always been a weird world, but we need to give ourselves a break on this.
There are definitely lines that should not be crossed, and many of the stories we have heard over the past couple of years, ever since slimy Harvey Weinstein was accused and charged, are proof of that.
But innocent remarks made from one nice human to another nice human have got to be OK.
That said, I will still restrain myself from a third compliment on that plaid shirt.
