Lots of people – normal people, it would be fair to say – are way glad the election season, with its accompanying plague of negative ads, came to a merciful halt last week.
That assessment applies to state and national elections, of course. It was gratifying to see very little of that locally, at least in the general election Nov. 8.
That’s because the local negative firepower was unleashed in the August Republican primary. The GOP candidates knew that with Jefferson County redder than an overcooked lobster for more than a decade now, their primary was the whole ballgame. So, they let it rip.
November seemed a kinder, gentler election – Republicans knew they were all going to win.
The shadow of negative campaigns – so awful, but apparently so effective – still hangs over us. What if the infection spreads to hyper-local races like community boards, city councils and school boards? It’s happening elsewhere, and, actually, we’ve already seen some examples in campaigns for local April elections.
How far down the ballot could it eventually go?
Even though the following example involves a mythical office, one that is usually mentioned in connection with the worst candidate possible, as in, “He couldn’t be elected to (even this),” here it is, presented as a public service to help normal people prepare themselves for a local Doomsday campaign.
Ad No. 1:
My name is Gunt Furblick and I want to be your dogcatcher, Jefferson County. I’m a good ole boy and my family has been here 11 generations, back when they were fightin’ Indians – er, Native ’Mericans – down in Danby. We’ve been wranglin’ critters ever since, unlike my opponent, incumbent Izzy Dovebreath, who I will tell you all about as we go along.
(Paid for by Gunt Furblick, with my last personal dollar).
Ad No. 2:
What kind of critters have been coming into the dog pound the last four years? That’s what Gunt Furblick, candidate for dogcatcher, wanted to know. Here’s what he found out:
There’s been English bulldogs and Labrador retrievers, yellow, chocolate and black. There’s been a huge surge of
Chihuahuas, spilling over our southern border from Ste. Genevieve and St. Francois and Washington counties. There’s been French poodles and Swiss mountain dogs and Afghan hounds. Are you catching a trend here?
It’s time we sealed off the borders from these invaders and sent ’em back where they came from. Like Chihuahua, Mexico.
What has Izzy Dovebreath done about this crisis?
(Paid for by Citizens for Furblick, Isadore Sovereignty, treasurer).
Ad No. 3
Is Izzy Dovebreath, our current dogcatcher, protecting our county, or helping those bent on destroying it?
Investigation of Dovebreath’s past animal associations revealed that he has owned no fewer than 11 Yorkshire terriers, a yappy little dog that is English in origin and definitely un-American.
Furthermore, it is well-known that Dovebreath attempted to start a Yorkshire terrier club in Jefferson County, which eventually disbanded after the membership was annihilated at a club meeting invaded by feral Dachshunds.
But the fact remains that Izzy Dovebreath in the recent past actively and openly promoted Terrierism and Terrierists.
Is that who we want as our dogcatcher?
(Paid for by the Liberty, America and God-Is-Great Committee, the Rev. Lance Sterling, treasurer).
Ad No. 4
(Cue spooky music, minor key)
Who is Izzy Dovebreath?
Is he the candidate who promised to clean up the loose dog problem in Jefferson County? Or is he some foo-foo dog-hugging, anti-euthanasia, kumbaya, let’s-all-hold-paws together and sing away our bad behavior liberal? What kind of a name is Dovebreath, anyway? Or Izzy, for that matter?
Gunt Furblick will round ’em up, pen ’em up and let God sort ’em out. There won’t be treats at tea time for the little darlings, either.
Izzy Dovebreath is too afraid he’ll break a nail to chase dogs – that’s why we need Gunt Furblick for dogcatcher.
Remember, voters — it takes a bulldog to catch a bulldog.
(Paid for by the Freedom and Liberty (except for strays) Committee, Aloysius Puppymill, treasurer).
Ad No. 5
Election Day is here, friends, and Gunt Furblick, candidate for dogcatcher, wants to remind all Patriots that there is nothing less at stake here than our American Way of Life. This is very very very probably the most important race of the century. That’s what some people are saying. It may be true – I don’t know.
(Slowly rising medley of patriotic music)
A vote for Gunt Furblick is a vote for Freedom, and Liberty, and the Flag, and the Founding Fathers, and Patriotism, and Grits, and Football, and Huntin’ and Fishin’ and everything that is so gol-durned American that it may like to make your heart bust.
What does that have to do with catchin’ dogs? Well, if you have to ask, maybe there’s no helpin’ you.
Vote for Furblick!!!
(Paid for by the Committee for Manly Candidates, Izzy Dovebreath, treasurer).
