Are dating apps to blame if you’re still single? Expert says no

By Ben Barry

A relationship coach says dating apps are not to blame if you're single - and reveals her four tips to find love on them.

Sabrina Zahar, 36, is a dating and relationship coach with four years of experience in the field.

She believes that dating apps aren't inherently the problem with modern-day dating and argues that users' expectations and how we use them are to blame.

Sabrina compares dating apps to casinos, saying that the house is always going to win.

She says people need to be discerning, recognize that others are at different stages of life and take breaks when dating burnout sets in.

Sabrina also said that modern life has exposed humans to more rejection than ever before, and that the reason people stay single while using the app is because of their expectations and how they are using it.

Sabrina, from Los Angeles, California, said: "The way I look at apps is kind of like a casino.

"The house is always going to win, but do I blame the casino for people having a gambling problem?

"No, because that's an internal situation that people are coming into.

"Of course, are we at a time where it's a bigger, better deal? You can swipe and find new people, absolutely.

"But I also think that we have to hold space for the fact that we are getting rejected so much more than we ever have simply by having these phones, right?

"I think what I start to see is the issues people have with the dating app are more about their expectations and how they're using the apps than it actually being the apps."

Sabrina said she was on and off the dating apps from the age of 19 until she met her partner.

While she was on the apps, Sabrina said it was more about "who was good looking" and "who was picking me".

She said: "I have been on and off the dating apps most of my adult life.

"When I first used the apps, it was more just who's good-looking? Who's picking me? And things like that.

"It wasn't actually about anybody choosing me; it wasn't me choosing people. I was more bothered about people choosing me."

Sabrina admits she "slept my way through Manhattan" and realized that she needed to "reframe" her approach to dating apps.

First, she turned off all of her notifications on the apps and turned her focus onto men who were matching with her.

"I was in a dopamine-rewarded loop with the apps. I was constantly checking and checking them," Sabrina said.

"I realized that I need to reframe not only my expectations of apps and then how I used them.

"I turned all off the notifications off; I focused on people who were matching with me so that I could see if they were people I was interested in, so I didn't feel like I was constantly overperforming.

"I didn't chat with people for more than a couple of hours; I didn't get into texting loops with people.

"I was very intentional with the way I created my profile to showcase what I was looking for, and turning off the notification allowed me to create boundaries for how often I went on."

Sabrina said buzzwords like "red flag" and "attachment style" are harming dating culture.

She argued that people are too quick to label behaviors as narcissistic, avoidant or red flags, rather than recognizing the difference between personal preferences and genuine behavioral patterns.

Sabrina said the constant analyzing can lead to hypervigilance and fear, preventing people from trusting themselves and forming genuine connections.

She said: "We hear the word narcissist thrown around as if it's the word hello, right?

"Like red flags are patterns of behavior, not just something that you don't like or the fact that they didn't open the door for you. That's not a red flag. That might just be a preference for you.

"And I think so many people, you know, it's the same: we see the avoidant and the anxious, and people are trying so hard to consciously understand that they're not actually connecting anymore.

"They're playing detective, and they're hypervigilant, and all they're doing is looking, looking, looking and scanning for safety as opposed to actually being in connection and trusting themselves."

On Oct. 15, 2026, Sabrina launched her book "Why Am I Like This?".

Sabrina says her book combines psychology with personal experiences and hopes that readers will actively implement the lessons learned from the book.

Sabrina said: "Honestly, I was the girl that needed it. I was the hot mess, right? I slept my way through Manhattan, which is a very nice way of me saying I was finding myself, right? You said jump, I said on who.

"I was the girl that had so much anxiety and core beliefs and didn't believe in myself. And once I started to do this work and realized it.

"Now here's the harsh reality: a lot of the concepts in the book, they're not revolutionary because psychology hasn't changed that much.

"Humans are still humans, but what I've done is I've created a narrative and a story throughline with my own experience as well as the clients that I've worked with for the last four years to create a very clear, oh, that's how this works.

"So the first half is why, but then we go into now. What are you going to do with it? The book won't change your life if you just read it cover to cover in 24 hours and throw it back on your shelf.

"The book will change your life if you stop, you implement, you do the exercises, you start to get curious, you hold yourself accountable, you set the boundaries, you learn fundamentally about these concepts for yourself."

HER TIPS ON HOW TO FIND LOVE ON THE APPS:

• Turn off your notifications
• Only focus on people who are matching with you
• Don't get into a texting loop with someone - unmatch if they don't make plans
• Create your profile to reflect what you're looking for