Saturday Night Live‘s cold open issued a savage takedown of President Donald Trump and U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth.
On Saturday, December 6, SNL featured Colin Jost as Hegseth and James Austin Johnson as Trump at a press conference amid the Venezuelan boat strikes and allegations of war crimes.
“First thing’s first, where are the fatties? You, out!” Jost as Hegseth demanded, calling out a reporter as he took the podium.
He continued, “As you’ve probably read in some gay newspaper, we’re now at war with Venezuela. All you nerds are like, ‘Wait, but was there an official declaration of war?’ Yeah, it’s right here. Super finger! Dane Cook! Now you got questions for me? Pretend I’m a random fishing boat and fire away.”
When another reporter asked what Hegseth’s response was to Sen. Mark Kelly saying that he acts like “a 12-year-old playing Army,” his response was equally off-the-wall.
Hegseth declared that Kelly was a “girl’s name,” before answering, “If I was just ‘playing Army,’ would there be 80 dead fisherman — narco terrorists — in Venezuela right now?”
Hegseth also took a question from former Congressman Matt Gaetz, who now works for One America News Network (OAN).
“You’re only killing people who are trafficking drugs, right?” Gatez asked. “So hypothetically, if someone were trafficking something else, they’d be OK?”
When Hegseth confirmed, Gaetz declared, “Giggity!” a reference to Family Guy character Quagmire’s catchphrase.
Yet another reporter pointed out that “even the president has been distancing himself from you” after allegations of war crimes.
“President Trump has my back 100%,” Hegseth insisted. “You want to know why? Because, unlike you beta cucks, he’s a high-energy alpha who trusts me and listens to me no matter what. Isn’t that right, Mr. President?”
The shot then focused on Johnson, as Trump, sleeping while standing up during the press conference — a jab at the president, 79, fighting sleep during a cabinet meeting this past week.
“Oh, stop. Stop, [Zohran] Mamdani,” a seemingly dreaming Trump muttered of the New York City mayor-elect. “You can freeze my rent anytime.”
After startling awake, the POTUS said, “I wasn’t sleeping. I’m very much awake. Now, someone quickly tell me, where am I? Who am I? And what year might it be?”
Hegseth replied, “Ha ha, good one, Mr. President. Everything you do that’s weird is a joke.”
“Absolutely, we love Pete. He’s a great guy,” Trump said, pushing Hegseth away from the podium. “It was just fog of war, right? Fog of war. It’s a thing you only say after doing war crime. Right?”
He added, “So I stand by Pete. And nothing can change my mind. Unless, of course, it could hurt me in any way. In which case, I’ll throw him under one of Mamdani’s free buses.”
The POTUS took a final question from a reporter, who pointed out that his own supporters now blame him for the affordability crisis. When the camera went back to Trump, he was dozing again at the podium.
Hegseth then came back into the frame and said, “Shhh! He’s sleeping. We’ve got to get him to another MRI before he wakes up!” before he and Trump declared, “And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Saturday Night Live, Saturdays at 11:30 p.m. ET on NBC
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