I have always been a worrywart. My brain just tends to go to the worst-case scenario.
Being the partner of a police officer has not eased my nail-biting thoughts.
While my partner, Alex, a St. Louis County Police officer, is at work, I have learned to occupy my mind to keep the dark thoughts away. I bake, read, surf the web, knit and blast Taylor Swift music. I do all these things to keep intrusive thoughts away.
Is he OK? Is tonight the night he gets hurt? What happens if he gets hurt? If he gets hurt, how quickly can help get there?
If Alex is working, I purposely avoid reading, watching or listening to news related to St. Louis County. What if that high-speed chase involves Alex? What if he is at the scene of that car accident? What if he responded to that break-in?
If I do not keep myself busy, my worrisome thoughts jump off a cliff without a parachute into the rock-filled water below.
I have great pride in what Alex does. I could never be a police officer. I will always run away from danger. Alex, on the other hand, will run headfirst into danger without a second thought for himself. I don’t know if I could act so selflessly every day.
While I have a lot of pride in him, it is wrapped up with some fear. I know he is out in the community protecting others, but I can’t help but wonder if he will come home in the morning. I know he helps people in their greatest time of need, but what happens if he is injured?
I have the utmost respect for first responders – firefighters, police, EMTs and 911 dispatchers, all who do things I would not be brave enough to do. However, at the end of the day, when those first responders come home, they are just like all the other people in the world.
Often when Alex and I meet new people and he gets asked what he does for work, he replies, “I work for the government” or “I work in security.” Unfortunately, he does this to avoid judgment or the negative feelings some people have about police officers.
Being a police officer is Alex’s job, not his whole personality, but it seems like a lot of people think it’s his whole personality, and weirdly, being a police officer’s partner is suddenly my whole personality in their eyes.
Alex is a person outside his job. When he comes home, he takes off the belt and vest and just becomes Alex – someone who loves to cook, make wine, play video games and play with our dog, Teddy.
I am always shocked when he returns home to tell me how someone spit on him, or waved a rude hand gesture or just yelled mean things at him. Under that uniform, he is a person just like you and me. I can’t wrap my brain around how someone can hate him just because of his job title or uniform. Are they just spreading hate to hate?
Sadly, getting home and taking his mind off work is not as easy as just changing out of his uniform. Alex often works the night shift, so when he arrives home, I wake up. What I have for breakfast is his dinner. When he takes a morning shower, it’s to get ready to sleep.
When Alex comes through the door in the morning, his face shows a mix of emotions. What happened while he was working? Did he just issue warning tickets, or did he have to deal with a more serious issue, like a murder or someone trying to harm themselves?
In our six years together, I have gotten good at reading his face. I typically know right from one glance if he needs a hug, wants to hear a funny joke or maybe needs some space to process. Sometimes he needs to vent and talk about what happened, and sometimes he needs peace to untangle the emotions. I try to be there for whatever he needs.
I typically ask how his night was, and he typically leads with the way he got to help others. Alex takes a lot of pride in helping people, which is the best part of his job. Just ask him and he will tell you. When he talks about his job, he generally talks about the life he saved with CPR, the kid he talked to about making good decisions, the property he got to return to its rightful owner or the person he helped avoid a scam.
His father was also a police officer, and I know deep down he followed in his dad’s shoes so he, too, could be a helper. While occasionally hauling people off to jail is part of his job, that is not his dream.
Remember, all first responders are people too and have families who care about them. Most of their time is spent showing up to help people. So, showing kindness to these helpers, like moving out of the way when we see emergency lights, will help them, and it will give me and a lot of other people who love first responders some peace of mind.
Click here to read stories from the Leader's law enforcement series.