I have four parents: a mom and a stepdad and a dad and a stepmom. This is not uncommon.
What might be uncommon, though, is that they all get along.
Their relationships are more than just the civil ‘hello’ when they see each other at gatherings or bump into each other in public. My dad still wishes my mom a ‘happy Mother’s Day’ every year. My stepdad never fails to send my stepmom a ‘happy birthday’ text. My parents put in a lot of effort to remind the other set of parents that they are valued.
I am an only child, and my four parents and I even take the occasional family vacation together. While that may sound like hell to some people, I feel fortunate to get to spend time with my weird family, all together in one place.
My biological mother, Ann, and my biological father, Tom, divorced when I was a few months old, so I have no recollection of them ever being a married couple. I do not remember the hardships they faced when together, nor do I try to make it my business.
When I was younger (and nosy), I did once ask my mom about her feelings toward my dad. She was not angry or annoyed by my prying, and I remember her response: “I still care for him, just like how you care for a friend.”
I give my mom major props for how she navigated that question, and her response satisfied me enough to never ask about it again. But, maybe I didn’t need to ask because their actions toward each other showed that they remained friends because of me.
My stepdad, Brian, and my mom got married when I was 3, and Brian embraced the role of stepdad so well I assumed having two dads was the norm. I was in second grade when I realized that was not the case. I was in art class, and our assignment was to cut out paper ties for our dads to wear at my school’s Father’s Day Mass. I walked up to my art teacher and asked if I could have two sheets of paper for two ties: one green (Tom’s favorite color) and one purple (Brian’s favorite color). I returned to my seat and tried explaining my family dynamic to a classmate who had given me an inquisitive look. She looked even more confused after I finished explaining.
While this memory is still fresh in my mind, it never shook the way I thought about my dads. One is not better than the other; they are different people with different ways of showing their care for me (and both of them showed up for Father’s Day Mass, sitting next to each other wearing their green and purple ties).
My stepmom, Bradie, married my dad, Tom, when I was 10. I still remember the first time I met her. She seemed so cool, and in my 10-year-old head, it was like gaining a new friendly family member.
She didn’t try too hard to make me like her, she listened really well and she was there for me when I needed a second opinion. She was also there right at the start of my teenage years and watched me go through some of my worst phases.
What impressed me the most about Bradie, though, was that she never had anything negative to say about my mom. She was respectful from the very beginning and recognized that being with my dad meant that he and I, along with my other two parents, were a package deal.
Joining a family that is already a “family” isn’t easy, and the way she handled it shows how strong a person she is.
I think the way my four parents and I all get along so well shows that there’s not just one way to be a family. Do not get me wrong, though, every relationship has its ups and downs, and it was not always perfect for us.
Once others learned I was an only child and had four parents, I often heard comments about how lucky I was as they imagined the material “blessings” I must have been showered with. Other kids said they thought it would be cool to have two Christmases and assumed I received twice as many gifts. Nope. My four parents collaborated on most gifts for holidays, birthdays and other special occasions.
Adults, on the other hand, often pitied me because they assumed my parents hated each other, based on their false idea that all divorced and remarried parents have an intense rivalry. That was not the case for my family.
Growing up with four sets of eyes watching my every move could be rough at times. However, my parents and I concluded that if I was honest and open with them, I could pretty much do what I pleased. It was a learning curve for all of us, but I am thankful for the mutual respect they’ve shown me.
Being a parent is tough. Coparenting with your ex-spouse is hard work, but my parents never made it seem that way. They went out of their way to make sacrifices and overcome differences to make my life easier.
My dad and Bradie celebrated their 18th wedding anniversary in May. My mom and Brian just celebrated their 25th anniversary in August. They are in happy relationships, and love like theirs should be shared and celebrated.
Besides being a reporter, I am also a news clerk for Leader Publications. I handle all forms of announcements. That includes obituaries, births, engagements, weddings and anniversary announcements. When my parents’ anniversaries came around, I thought about asking if they would each like an announcement to be featured in the paper. Then I got the idea to write this column instead. And, just like my Christmas gifts, their anniversary “announcement” is a joint one (sorry, guys).
If any readers who have been married for five years or more have an anniversary coming up, I encourage them to visit myleaderpaper.com and click on ‘submission forms’ and send their anniversary announcement to the Leader for publication. Readers may include as much or as little information about their relationship as they wish, but they need to make sure to include a good phone number so we can call the husband or wife to verify the information before we share it with other readers.
My family’s dynamic is not an extraordinary one, but over the years, I have learned how lucky I am to have four people who care for and support me. Their relationships were built on understanding and respect for one another and on their shared love for me. And for that, I feel so privileged.